Men and Breasts

Let’s talk about breasts.  Most guys love to, so why should I be any different?  Like it or not, this anatomical accoutrement receives more than its fair share of attention from the male of the species.  And while someone with a doctorate might be able to explain the underlying psychological motivation, the simple truth is that men love boobs. “Duh,” you say, “Every woman knows of men’s almost obsessive surveillance of this particular part of the female topography.  Tell me something I don’t know.”  Okay, I will.  Regardless of what you believe, men don’t just love big breasts.  We love ‘em all: Large, small, medium, extra-large, firm, floppy, perky and pendulous.  All boobs are welcome.  And regardless of their size, the more we see of them the happier we are.  Hence, we are ecstatic about the current padded, pushed-up, on-display style bras which go out of their way to showcase whatever you’ve got. Now this is not to say that a man won’t be wowed by a particularly prominent set of boobs.  To be truthful, most will - because larger objects tend to more easily catch our attention.  Nonetheless, we are still almost fanatical in our affections for more modest endowments.  And if we spy even the slightest hint of nipple, regardless of the fullness of flesh of the surrounding neighborhood, we’re happy as clams.  It’s not unlike many women’s fascination with diamonds.  Big ones catch your attention and may cause a chorus of “oohs” and “ahhs,” but a smaller-caratted cut of equal brilliance will still illicit its fair share of complements – since you have an enthusiastic appreciation of diamonds in general.  But the similarity ends there, because even though your love of diamonds is only equaled by your disdain for cubic zirconia and other “fakes,” we feel no similar animosity toward breasts that aren’t 100 percent original equipment.  Spruce ‘em up, plump ‘em out, enhance or condense ‘em, we’ll love those puppies as if they were just the way nature made ‘em.  What can I say, when it comes to breasts, we’re very accommodating.  So what does all this mean?  Simply put - regardless of what you have on your chest, men will be craning their necks to get a peek, or dare we dream – a grope.  Such is the allure of your boobs.  They are the mountains, hills or speed bumps at which we worship, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  So don’t spend a lot of time being concerned about what you have or haven’t got in the boob department.  As far as we’re concerned, as long as they’re less-hairy than what we have, they’re sure to appeal to our simple tastes.  And it is a bad pun, but nonetheless heartfelt, that on behalf of men everywhere, I say, “thanks for the mammaries.” David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition.  He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN).  He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.”  His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.  Image by  mikegoat.