Question: After having an affair 8 years ago, out of the blue the man calls me to tell me he "wanted to make sure I was okay,” and ended the call with "I also wanted to tell you I still love you after all these years."  I’m still married and worked through the affair, but never really got over it.  So I began to "chat" with the Other.  He was married to a woman for 22 years before their divorce. During our affair, he told me of another woman he was "in love" with, which tore me up inside.  I thought that the two people having an affair would be really into each other--not trailing a line of other people behind.  Anyway, Other ended up marrying the woman and is now separated from her. 

So now he calls me, we have a few chats and get pretty wound up with each other.  Then he ends up telling me he's seeing someone--after a very intimate and loving conversation.  My brain never felt so messed up.  But curiosity got the best of me and I asked plenty of questions.  I come to find out that Other's seeing a former student of his (he's a 52-year-old college professor) and she's 27.  He goes on to tell me he had a threesome with her and he won't be available to chat because she's coming to visit (she lives 420 miles from him and sees her once a month)--so I don't hear from him for four days. 

There's a push and pull and tug here that I'm trying to understand in men, particularly this man.  Other told me he was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder...and that explains a lot about what I went through with him eight years ago.  Now, on top of that, I feel as if he’s sadistic too--just hurting me with telling me about this very young girl.  I'm 40--and I feel repulsed by the thought of a threesome, and a man that is screwing around with someone 25 years younger (his son is the same age).  So---is this guy totally messing with my brain?  And why would someone do this...and....why would he ever call in the first place when he's getting it from some young slut?  He doesn't need me...and now my life is just turned upside down--my brain can't handle any of it. …Darlene

Answer: If I could distill my advice down to a single word, that word would be: “Run!”  The probable outcome of re-involving yourself with this man will likely be lots of emotional upheaval, guilt, regret, confusion, pain and self-loathing.  Why do I say this?  Because every indication is that this guy is at best, insensitive, and at worst, a master manipulator.  The saying goes: “You can cheat on your wife, but you don’t cheat on your mistress.”  Yet, he did both, eight years ago, with little regard for either of your feelings.  Then he bragged about loving someone else, despite the fact that you were risking your marriage and future being involved with him.

Now he’s returned, again insinuating himself into your life, trying to lure you back into his web, knowing you’re vulnerable to him and his lines.  Don’t believe he still “loves you after all these years.”  If he did he wouldn’t call you up out of the blue, throwing your whole world into turmoil…only to once again savage your heart by telling you he’s hot for some twenty-something girl with whom he had a three-some.  I don’t think he “still” loves you, because I doubt he is capable of loving anyone but himself.  Someone who truly cares about you would never be so blatant in his disregard for your feelings, no matter how much he wanted to get inside your pants. 

It’s hard to say whether he is more motivated by his urge to have sex with you, his desire to stroke his own ego by proving he can still “get to you,” or his need to diminish your self respect in order to enhance his own.  In any case, none of these are good reasons for you to disrupt your life and peace of mind and plunge headfirst down the rat hole that any relationship with him must surely be.  I know this may sound harsh, but you asked for my honest assessment, and thus I feel compelled to give it to you in the most straight-forward way possible.  My opinion is that any romantic entanglement with this guy is going to ultimately end in heartache for you.  Do yourself a favor and immediately tell him good-bye and good riddance.  Your heart will thank you.

© 2008 David M. Matthews.  All Rights Reserved.

If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition.  He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN).  He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.”  His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.