10 Stupid Dating Mistakes Men Make

Dating is a crazy business. It often involves putting oneself in the awkward position of having to make meaningful and engaging conversation with a virtual stranger while trying to assess if future encounters will be emotionally/physically/spiritually satisfying on any level. And you usually have to do this over dinner or drinks while trying desperately not to say something totally embarrassing or spray your date in the eye with lemon juice meant for your salmon, ice tea or Corona. Of course you know the things you try to avoid to keep a date running smoothly (and impress a guy, if indeed, you have any interest). But how about the gaffes, blunders, and faux pas that men make on dates (while optimistically imaging themselves in your naked embrace)? The following is a list of ten dating mistakes men make that quickly send your hope of a possible ongoing relationship into the crapper (Sadly, you’ll probably recognize more than a few of these from past dates-gone-wrong). 1) Trying to move things along too quickly Very few things are as much of a turn-off as a guy who’s discussing plans for dates seven, eight and nine, as the appetizers are being served on date one. He is likely to be perceived as desperate, controlling, stalker-ish or all three. 2) Not making definite plans or having a specific idea where he wants to go on a date Especially early on in the dating process, suggesting a specific time, date and place for a romantic rendezvous is very important. Planning indicates a man cares enough to put a little thought into his date. Failure to do so is likely to be interpreted as lack of genuine interest or inability to get his act together – neither of which bode well for a long and happy relationship. 3) Talking about his ex’s We all have baggage. Some, just a small carry-on – others, a steamer trunk. Speak glowingly of an ex, and it sounds like you’re not over her. Slam her, and you’ll likely reveal anger issues that aren’t particularly flattering. They’re your “ex’s” because they’re part of your past. Best to leave them there. 4) Offering to split the bill No law dictates that a man, simply by virtue of his sex, is required to pay on a date. That being said, a man who invites a woman out for dinner, then plunks down the cash to cover his share, expecting her to pony up the remainder will likely not endear himself to his dinner partner. 5) Treating wait-staff poorly For many women, how a guy interacts with others is a strong indication of how he will eventually interact with them. Treating a waiter or waitress in a demeaning, condescending, or disparaging manner is a big old red flag. 6) Being a know-it-all Confidence is attractive, arrogance…not so much. And an obnoxious, dogmatic windbag is about as appealing as ringworm. 7) Not listening Very few non-physical qualities are more appealing to a woman than a man who actually listens to them. And conversely, nothing is quite so off-putting as a guy who doesn’t. 8) Insisting on discussing topics not of interest to his date One of the key elements of successful dating is establishing a rapport. A guy blathering on endlessly about subjects that are fascinating only to him, will most certainly assure his first date is also his last. 9) Being a “yes” man Being overly solicitous and agreeing with everything his date says may initially be quite refreshing and appealing to her. Soon, however, a man’s refusal to offer an opinion of his own and reluctance to demonstrate he has a backbone, will cause her to lose respect for him, and without that, the relationship is dead-in-the-water. 10) Regaling his date with stories of his wild past A guy’s buddies may be infinitely amused by his tales of drunken debauchery, but confessing his ill-advised exploits on a date, no matter how ‘hilarious,’ is a crap shoot at best. While his date may be entertained, she may just as easily question his character and judgment. The smart guy keeps his liquor-soaked nostalgia to himself. The above is by no means a comprehensive list. There are virtually hundreds of things a man can inadvertently do to alienate his date. On the other hand, if a guy is really attracted to you, there are only about two sure-fire ways of throwing cold water on his “fire:” 1) Tell him that under no circumstances will you ever have sex with him; or 2) Tell him you’re a dude. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Thursday, 25 March 2010 |  E-mail

Online Dating Dilemma

Question: This gentleman expressed interest in me via email and we began emailing to get to know each other. 3 weeks into the emails – we decided to meet. The night before our “date” – his Dad had a heart attack…needless to say the date was cancelled. We continued emailing for a couple more weeks and talking about meeting but he was different and then he just said he couldn’t do this anymore. He said it wasn’t anything I did…did he just run away…was it dealing with family issues? I just don’t know and it really shook my confidence because we had gotten very close thru our emails. Thoughts? ...Robin Answer: From what you have told me, I see two possible reasons for your gentleman friend to have acted the way he did: 1) His whole world was thrown into an uproar because of his father’s heart attack, which caused him to re-evaluate his life, loves, career and direction. Unable to come to terms with the sudden emotional upheaval in his life, he decided to withdraw from interpersonal interaction until he could “put the pieces back together” and make sense of his current situation and his future; or 2) He enjoyed your online relationship/flirtation, but was either afraid of or uninterested in taking it to “the next level.” Of course, both are reasonable explanations – two perfectly plausible motivations that precipitated his actions. That said, if I were a betting man (which, by the way, I am), I’d be going “all-in” on reason number 2. Why? Because I find it a bit too coincidental that his father’s heart attack occurred the night before you two were supposed to meet. Sure, it may have happened, but I believe the timing is a bit suspect. It seems far more likely that he came up with a very strong excuse to cancel your date, and then realizing that re-scheduling was an inevitability, decided to make himself scarce before he had to once again deal with actually meeting you in person. But why would he act that way, when online he seemed so interesting and interested? Well, there are several possibilities. Perhaps he is not what he represented himself to be. Online, he could be handsome, tall, and athletic – the perfect male specimen. In person, he might be three hundred pounds, missing a few teeth, and reeking of body order and Old Spice. Online, he could be witty, insightful, and articulate. In the flesh, he could be painfully awkward, unable to string together a cogent sentence, let alone participate in meaningful conversation. Other possibilities abound. He may be significantly older or younger than he let on. He may be married or otherwise involved, and online romance is fine (in his mind, anyway), but actually meeting you is “crossing the line.” He may be having these kind of communications with many different women and is completely fulfilled by his email adventures. He may be in prison. Or he may not even be a man. The bottom line is this: Online relationships allow the participants to be whoever they want to be. In person, you are who you are. I believe that, for whatever reason, he just didn’t want you to see who he really was. Of course the irony of it all is that had he been honest with you from the start, perhaps you would have been just as attracted to the man as he actually was, warts and all. Unfortunately, you and he will never know. On a positive note (I always try to find one – cockeyed optimist that I am), this truly appears to be a case of “it’s not you, it’s me.” It doesn’t seem like you said or did anything wrong. Thus, there is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or lose one iota of self-confidence. He ran away – not from you, but from the truth. And that’s not your fault; it’s his…and his loss, as well. © 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010 |  E-mail

Treatment Provides Safe Alternative for Low Female Sexual Desire

According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, people who engage in regular sexual activity gain several health benefits, such as longer lives, healthier hearts, lower blood pressure, and lower risk of breast cancer. However, approximately 33 percent of women may not receive these benefits due to low sexual desire. Also, the marriages of women with low sexual desire may also be at risk, given a recent statistic that 25 percent of divorce is due to sexual dissatisfaction. Some doctors are prescribing testosterone patches for women with low sexual desire. However, research shows that testosterone patches might increase the risk of breast cancer when used for just a year. Researchers are currently testing a new drug, flibanserin, which was developed as an antidepressant and affects neurotransmitters in the brain, to treat women with low sexual desire. However, experts are concerned about the side effects of this possible treatment. Now, a University of Missouri researcher has found evidence that a low-cost, risk-free psychological treatment is effective and may be a better alternative to drugs that have adverse side effects. "Low sexual desire is the number one problem women bring to sex therapists," said Laurie Mintz, associate professor of educational, school and counseling psychology in the MU College of Education. "Drugs to treat low sexual desire may take the focus away from the most common culprits of diminished desire in women, including lack of information on how our own bodies work, body image issues, relationship issues and a stressful lifestyle. Indeed, research demonstrates that relationship issues are far more important in predicting women's sexual desire than are hormone levels. Before women seek medical treatments, they should consider psychological treatment." Mintz has authored a book based on this premise. In her book, Mintz suggests a six-step psycho-educational and cognitive-behavioral treatment approach that she based on scientific literature and more than 20 years of clinical knowledge. The treatment plan includes chapters about one's thoughts about sex, how to talk with your partner, the importance of spending time together, ways to touch each other in both erotic and non-erotic ways, how to make time for sex and different ways to make sexual activity exciting and thus, increase women's sexual desire. In a study demonstrating the effectiveness of her treatment, Mintz recruited married women between the ages of 28 to 65, who said they were uninterested in sexual activity. All the women were employed and a majority had children. All participants completed an online survey that measured sexual desire and sexual functioning. Then half of the participants were selected randomly to read her book and perform the exercises outlined in her book. After six weeks, they were emailed the same survey again. The control group did not read the book. Mintz found that the intervention group who read the book made significant gains in sexual desire and sexual functioning, compared to the control group who did not read the book. On average, women who read the book increased their level of sexual desire by almost 30 percent. "This finding is especially exciting because low sexual desire among women has been not only the most common, but the least successfully treated of all the sexual problems brought to therapists" Mintz said. "Also, although other books have been written on the topic, this is the first to be tested for its effectiveness. In addition, unlike medical treatments such as testosterone, there are certainly no known negative medical side effects associated with the treatment strategies in my book." Source: University of Missouri-Columbia

Tuesday, 09 March 2010 |  E-mail

The Truth About Online Dating

There's no doubt that meeting partners on the Internet is a growing trend. But can we trust the information that people provide about themselves via online dating services? And why is depression so dissatisfying in relationships? These two questions are explored in articles appearing in the latest issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Jeffrey Hall of the University of Kansas is lead author of the paper on internet dating, which shows that people looking for romance online actually behave very much as they do in face to face dating and relationships. "Our findings dispel the myth that people using online dating are that different than anyone else who might find a relationship through friends, school or work," Hall explains. His team investigated over 5000 individuals dating online in search of long-term partners, from all walks of life and over a wide age range (18 to over 60). The survey included questions on personality traits such as openness, extroversion, education and income. "We also asked a series of questions on an important trait that we call self monitoring," Hall says. "Self monitoring is about how we try to present ourselves in a favorable light to others, to make people like us." Someone who scores as 'low' on self monitoring is extremely authentic when describing themselves in all circumstances, and those who score 'high' are more prone to so-called white lies. Self-monitoring scores turned out to be a major factor in the likelihood of people changing their presentation to others across all dating indicators (topics such as previous relationships, likes, dislikes, appearance, etc). Whether a person is likely to lie about themselves online also depends on what kind of person they are: Someone who is very open to new experiences (e.g. foreign travel) is highly unlikely to misrepresent themselves about their experiences – because they are naturally interesting people. On the other hand extroverts are more likely to misrepresent themselves when describing past relationships. Extroverts tend to have many past relationships because they meet new people easily, but may play this down when looking for a new relationship. The good news, according to Hall, is that the likelihood of people misrepresenting themselves overall is actually very low. The research also showed that not all men are from Mars and Women from Venus – the differences between individuals was far greater than any difference between the sexes. However women were somewhat more likely to fib about their weight, whereas men were more prone to tell white lies on other subjects, such as how many previous partners they had had, or how serious they were about finding a long-term relationship. "Men and women aren't as different from one another as we might believe," Hall says. Next up - Hall and his team are developing an inventory of flirting styles, which they aim to publish later this year. Meanwhile twin sisters Leanne Knobloch of the University of Illinois, US and Lynne Knobloch-Fedders from The Family Institute at Northwestern University, US put their heads together to look at a longstanding question about what explains the association between depressive symptoms and relationship quality. Over three decades of research have shown that people with depression are less satisfied in their romantic relationships. But questions remain about exactly why these go together. Now the sisters' research shows that relational uncertainty could be one explanation. Relational uncertainty is how sure individuals are about their perceptions of involvement in a relationship. It has three sources. Self uncertainty is the questions people have about their own relationship involvement, such as, "how certain am I about my view of this relationship?" Partner uncertainty involves questions about a partner's relationship involvement, such as, "how certain am I about where my partner wants this to go?" Finally relationship uncertainty involves questions about the relationship status, such as "How certain am I about the future of this relationship?" There were three main findings from the study of couples experiencing depressive symptoms or relationship problems: Those with more severe depressive symptoms reported more relationship distress; people experiencing more relational uncertainty were less satisfied with their relationship; and finally, women's depressive symptoms predicted all three sources of their relational uncertainty, which in turn predicted both men's and women's relationship quality. For men, only the self source of relational uncertainty acted as a mediator. This finding could suggest treatment options. For example, working through relational uncertainty issues in psychotherapy may help alleviate depressive symptoms. Alternatively treating depression might help individuals achieve more relational certainty, leading to more satisfying relationships. "People suffering from depressive symptoms may wrestle with more questions about their romantic relationship, which may be dissatisfying," says Knobloch. "If we find ways to help people address their uncertainty about their relationship, then their depressive symptoms might not be so debilitating for their romantic relationships." Source: Journal of Social and Personal Relationships

Monday, 08 March 2010 |  E-mail

What Your Guy Friends Are Really Thinking

If you are like many women today, in addition to numerous female friends, you also have (or did have at one point in time) several male friends. For the most part, these are guys whose company you enjoy, but who you don’t date. You hang out with them, share what’s going on in your personal lives, get their “male perspective” on things, but that’s about as far as it goes. Sure, you love them…but like brothers. And you wouldn’t even think about ever having sex with them, because that’s not what your relationship is about. And you know they feel exactly the same way. They cherish your company and friendship, but unlike all the other men in your life, they have absolutely no interest in the tropical tempest between your thighs. And I’m here to say that you can be absolutely confident that this is true… if they are either under the age of ten, comatose, or gay. Otherwise, you’re living in a fool’s paradise. “That’s just a bunch of cynical crap,” I hear you say. “My male friends like me only as a friend…period.” Are you sure? Or are you just assuming because you don’t think of them ‘in that way.’ that they feel similarly? Now I admit that these relationships seem innocent enough. After all, you’ve spent lots of time together and they’ve never once indicated any sexual interest in you. If they were hungering to be enveloped by your womanly flesh, wouldn’t they have said something? Obviously, they are immune to the gravitational pull of your private parts that keep other men orbiting you like hormone-infused asteroids. And I agree that on the surface it appears their interest is purely platonic, but trust me when I tell you that, know it or not, their penises are casting furtive glances at your nether region when it’s not looking. So why haven’t they said or done anything to let you know how they truly feel? There could be a few reasons: 1) One or both of you might be in a relationship and the timing is wrong; 2) They know you have no sexual interest in them, and any move they make will be met with negativity, anger or serious laughter; or 3) They have no “game” and don’t know how to make a move on you. Whatever the reason, one thing is certain: In their heart-of-hearts, they hope that one magical evening, one or both of you will be so liquored-up that courage will overcome fear of rejection, pesky inhibitions will disappear along with clothing and at last the two of you will be able to allow your genitals some quality time together. Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he? Still think I don’t know what I’m talking about; that your guy friends have no interest in getting physical with you? Fine. Next time you’re alone with one of them, tell him you’ve given it some thought and you’d like to have sex with him. If you’re right, there’ll be a moment of uncomfortable silence, after which you’ll play it all off as a joke and the two of you can have a good laugh. More likely, however, the awkward silence will be replaced by the metallic song of zipper teeth as your friend hurriedly discards his clothing in an effort to show you just how “friendly” he can be. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Thursday, 04 March 2010 |  E-mail

Women with Low Sexual Desire Experience Emotional Distress

New findings from a European study show that women with low sexual desire and associated distress experience personal and emotional distress related to the sexual issue. The findings are based on a survey of 5,098 women with low sexual desire and associated distress. In the study (DESIRE®), many women reported experiencing negative emotions, such as dissatisfaction with their sex life, guilt about sexual difficulties and distress about their sex life, frequently or always during the previous three months. The DESIRE® (Desire and its Effects on female Sexuality Including Relationships) study identified 7,542 women with low sexual desire and associated distress. Among these women, 5,098 participated and were surveyed on a wide range of attitudes and behaviors relating to their experience of low sexual desire. The reports of their frequency and level of sexual desire over the last 12 months were significantly correlated with reports of their level of distress about their low sexual desire and with each of these negative emotional responses. The DESIRE study methodology consisted of 65,129 women, ages 18-88 years, from France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the UK, participating in a demographically representative research panel. These women completed an initial screening comprised of the first four questions of the Decreased Sexual Desire Screener® (DSDS®). The DSDS is a five-question diagnostic tool that assists non-expert clinicians in the clinical diagnosis of generalized, acquired Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), with more than 85 percent accuracy. In total, 7,542 women answered "yes" to all four questions and did not attribute their desire problem to partner sexual issues or physical trauma and 5,098 women further chose to participate in the in-depth survey. To understand the natural course of HSDD in women, the New England Research Institutes in Watertown, Mass., is conducting the first-ever registry in female sexual health. The HSDD Registry for Women is a prospective, multicenter, observational study, which will provide data on the natural history and long-term consequences of HSDD. "The HSDD Registry for Women is the first sexual medicine registry of its kind to investigate the history and clinical course of generalized, acquired Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder in women," said Ray Rosen, Ph.D., Chief Scientist of the New England Research Institutes. "With its in-depth analysis of medical co-morbidities, lifestyle factors and long-term outcomes, we expect the HSDD Registry to address a number of knowledge gaps surrounding HSDD in women." Nearly one in 10 women report low sexual desire with associated distress, which may be HSDD, an often under-diagnosed condition that is defined as a decrease or lack of sexual desire that causes distress for the patient, may put a strain on relationships with partners, and is not due to the effects of a substance, including medications, or another medical condition. "Many of the women I see with HSDD experience a high level of guilt and feelings of confusion," said Sheryl Kingsberg, Ph.D., President of ISSWSH, Chief of Behavioral Medicine at University Hospitals Case Medical Center, and professor in reproductive biology at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland. "They also complain about the distance they feel between themselves and their partner. The emotional impact of HSDD is significant, so I am excited by the growing body of research being presented this year as it provides an in-depth look at this under-recognized but distressing condition." The DSDS diagnostic tool consists of five Yes or No questions: In the past, was your level of sexual desire/interest good and satisfying to you? Has there been a decrease in your level of sexual desire/interest? Are you bothered by your decreased level of sexual desire/interest? Would you like your level of sexual desire/interest to increase? In a fifth Yes or No question, women are asked to note any factors from the following list they feel may be contributing to a loss of sexual desire or interest. Medications, drugs or alcohol you are currently taking Pregnancy, recent childbirth, menopausal symptoms Other sexual issues you may be having (pain, decreased arousal or orgasm) Your partner's sexual problems Dissatisfaction with your relationship or partner Stress or fatigue If a woman answers "Yes" to questions one through four, and "No" to all of the factors in question five, then she may meet the criteria for the diagnosis of generalized, acquired HSDD. However, following the completion of the DSDS, a clinical assessment and review with the clinician is required to confirm the diagnosis of generalized, acquired HSDD. About Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder Low sexual desire with associated distress is the most commonly reported female sexual complaint. Approximately one in 10 women report low sexual desire with associated distress, which may be HSDD. HSDD is a form of female sexual dysfunction (FSD) and has been recognized as a medical condition for more than 30 years. As defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), HSDD is the persistent lack (or absence) of sexual fantasies or desire for any form of sexual activity causing marked distress or interpersonal difficulty and not better accounted for by another disorder (except another sexual dysfunction), direct physiological effects of a substance (including medications), or a general medical or psychiatric condition. Generalized, acquired HSDD is not limited to certain types of stimulation, situations or partners, and develops only after a period of normal functioning. There has been an unmet need for many women and there is no FDA-approved treatment for HSDD. It can affect women of all ages and at any stage of life. Source: Ogilvy Public Relations

Friday, 19 February 2010 |  E-mail

Changing a Relationship’s Ground Rules

Question: I have been seeing an entertainer almost 3 years now. The first year was really rocky - full of attraction and the chase (by him) but I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship and it was merely 3 years after the death of my father and I wasn't trying to jump right back into another relationship or emotional commitment. He too, was apparently getting out of something which I found out about because a woman called me 'protecting her territory'. I confronted him about the call and the caller and he was honest. It only happened once and never since. The second year, we started getting closer. He started trusting me with very personal things (although he lied about his age) and I felt like we were going along a road that could lead to a sensible relationship. We haven't spent any holidays together - sometimes he is touring and since he has kids, sometimes he is with his family. My friends think I am crazy that after 3 years we should be more of a 'couple' and spend holidays together but at first, I really didn't want that. He travels a lot which strangely I have gotten used to (and his ex cheated on him for that reason so he has trust issues there); at first I complained that he was not very communicative when he left - and now he will call every single time he is leaving and email/text/call when he is gone. Anytime I express displeasure at something - he does make an effort to rectify. I did ask for an HIV & STD test - which he willingly did and supplied the results. Now, I have never been to his house. I have never met his family - although we have spoken about them (and he has met my brother). We have similar friends but because of who he is and the industry, we keep our relationship on the low to protect our privacy - for as long as we can. Year three - here we still are together. I know now definitely that I love him and I genuinely care for him. I wanted to be sure that past emotional baggage was out of the way first. We enjoy our time together but it’s so random and short; I want more and I feel like he can give more - but I don't know how much. I suppose, we would have to go more public with our relationship if I wanted to spend more time with him that is not quite so private; I know he depends on coming home to me but there is a part of me that wonders why he hasn't taken me to his home? I haven't insisted since I think it’s inappropriate, and I know his kids do not live with him; How do I tell him that I am ready for more and need more from him without demanding it although. I don't want some patterned relationship of him coming to my apartment and making love, him leaving at 4am and then we speak on the phone the rest of the time. Unfortunately, it’s a pattern I started because I didn't want the closeness and now I want it, I am not sure how to get it. Help. ...Ms. Dating the Entertainer Answer: Yours is a very interesting letter. Basically, what you're asking is: How do you change the ground rules of a relationship without seeming demanding? That's a very good question. Here are a few issues that I think you should consider: Men are generally comfortable with the status quo and will usually take little initiative to change it. Conversely, women generally like to set up guidelines and alter them to accommodate the complex and changing nature of relationships. You and he once had similar needs and desires and your "ground rules" reflected this. Now, your love has grown, so your desires have changed and you want to re-visit the parameters of your relationship. The question is: Has his love grown, too? And if so, are the changes you want, things that he might be amenable to? By your vagueness in describing him as "an entertainer," I will assume that he has a certain amount of celebrity status and would like to keep his liaison with you out of the headlines. Is there any other reason that he might want to keep your relationship a secret? Be careful not to let your friends define how your relationship "should" be. Friends mean well, but generally their advice is biased toward you and not particularly objective. What is acceptable behavior in your relationship can only be defined by you and your man. Don't let your friends' issues be your own. What specifically are you looking for? You say you want "closeness," but I'm not sure what that means. Are you looking for a traditional relationship, where you spend time with each other's friends and families periodically, go out to public places, and generally do the whole "boyfriend-girlfriend" thing? Are you desiring some sort of public acknowledgement of your importance in his life? Are you hoping to make the relationship more permanent - get engaged, move in together, get married? First and foremost, in order to get what you want, you have to clearly know what that is and be able to ask for it - regardless of the consequences. Yes, there's always the possibility he doesn't want what you now want, and you will scare him off/push him away. But if you don't let your desires be known, in time, you will likely grow resentful of him, and that will not bode well for the long term success of your relationship. The bottom line is this: You need to summon up your courage and clear the air. Talk to him. Tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you're not trying to pressure him, just "taking his temperature." Then together you can decide just where you are BOTH comfortable in taking this relationship. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out the way you want. © 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Thursday, 18 February 2010 |  E-mail

Things Men Love

A few months ago, I wrote a column about three things that men hate. It was meant to illuminate those things that men generally feel negatively toward. However, it may have erroneously created the impression that guys are discontented with their lives and possess a primarily negative world-view. And honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. So, in the interest of fair and even coverage of the mind and motivations of the male of the species, I want to explore the other side of things. I’m talking about those things that men pretty much universally love. Although it probably goes without saying, I am nonetheless going to mention the item that is Number One on the list of “our favorite things.” And no, snowflakes, copper kettles and mittens of any fabric, do not make the cut. As I’m sure you already suspected, the topper of our “want list” is…sex. It’s what we consider the perfect pastime. In fact, guys spend more time whiling away the hours joyously contemplating what they optimistically perceive as the unlimited sexual possibilities that exist for them in the world. And while their expectations and fantasies ultimately prove to be hopelessly unrealistic, their enthusiasm will not be diminished one iota. Men love sex… all sex - good, bad or mediocre (though we prefer “good”). In fact, if you gave men the choice of either giving up sex or their right arm, the world would be filled with guys nicknamed “lefty.” It may surprise you to learn that all our wants and desires aren’t completely frivolous. Also high on our list is our love for being able to successfully provide for ourselves and our families. Men are very goal oriented, and our biggest goal is to be a successful provider. In many ways it defines who we are. If we are able to supply the things our families need, we feel good about ourselves. And the more we can exceed the minimum necessities the more contented we become. Conversely, a man who is unable to meet his family’s needs, regardless of the reason, feels, at best, ill-at-ease, and at worst, an abject failure. Rightly or wrongly men derive their self respect from their economic accomplishments. So it only makes sense that our success in this area would be something we would greatly prize. What else do we like? Gadgets. We are oddly attracted to anything that does something cool. No matter how impractical, unnecessary, or fiscally foolish a device is, if it accomplishes some mundane task in a new and interesting way, through chemistry, electronics or simple mechanics, we are inextricably drawn to it. And if it has lots of flashing lights, our credit cards are literally leaping out of our wallets. Why are we fascinated by gadgets? Who knows. I’m not even certain anyone has seriously explored this topic. But that doesn’t change the fact that one of the simple truths about us is that boys really love their toys. And we wouldn’t have it any other way. And finally, guys love any odor produced by their own bodies. That statement is self-explanatory and deserves no elaboration. Bizarre? Yes. Icky? Definitely. True? You betcha. The items mentioned above are but the tip of the iceberg of the things that cause men to bound out of bed each morning with enthusiasm for the new day and a zest for life in general. And though the complete list is rather extensive, I promise to elaborate on it more fully at some point in the future. Oh, and did I mention…men really love sex? © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Monday, 15 February 2010 |  E-mail

A Question of Infidelity

Question: Okay, you self proclaimed guru, might be more than you want to know, but my husband of almost ten years recently ended an affair with a coworker. We're working through that, but- I was truly blown away by something he said to me a couple of days ago and you just might be the right guy to ask about it. One of the main reasons he was attracted to her, he says, is that she was positive and confident while I didn't seem to "care about" myself. This being evidenced, in his opinion, by the fact that I didn't care if I "fixed up" when I went somewhere.... Hmmm, and I thought that meant I was okay with me, but I guess not. So it's been about five months since we've started this “work on our marriage” bit. I start nursing school in August and he made the statement that I'm probably gonna run off with a rich doctor (insert dumbfounded expression here - I'm not running off with a poor one!) Anyway, I am trying to give the appearance of being confident and feeling good about myself when I tell him that "I'm gonna be so cute in my scrubs, they're all gonna want me!" To which he replies, "Don't think that highly of yourself Dana." Please understand, I'm not vain. I was joking. Joking! And the truth of the matter is, he said he wanted me to be more confident, even as he was pulling the rug out from under me with the epitome of "You're not good enoughs" by having an affair. So my question is this: Why is it great for your girlfriend to be confident and present herself as thinking she's wonderful, but not your wife? Especially when you say that what you wanted? Hope you can help me grasp the concept. Thanks so much! ...Dana Answer: First, you should know, Dana, that I while I don't condone your husband's infidelity, since you have agreed to move past it, I will not dwell on it. However, you should be aware that, different from women, men don't primarily have affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship with their significant others...they have them because the opportunity presents itself. While a man may be perfectly content in his relationship with his wife, the appeal of being physical with another woman is incredibly enticing. Why? Because men inherently crave variety in their sexual partners. The only thing they like better than sex...is sex with someone new. And no matter how wonderful you are in and out of bed, the one thing you cannot be is...someone new. I mention all of this because it is likely that your husband straying has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is far more a reflection on him, his desires and character. But what about his recent comments about you? How do those "fit in?" Very simply: It is those characteristics that she (the other woman) has that you don't that make her particularly attractive to him. Not that those traits are, by themselves appealing, but because they offer contrast to those he perceives you possess. In other words, it is this dissimilarity to you that make those differences especially appealing. So changing who you are (even if you wanted to), wouldn’t really accomplish anything. But what about the fact that he said that you don't "fix up" when you go out? That actually may be related to another issue. And what is that issue? Quite often, as we get more and more comfortable in our relationships, we take less and less care with how we present ourselves to our spouse. It seems to be a natural progression and is equally common among men and women, with one significant difference. Men are primarily visually oriented. How you look is paramount to how much we are attracted to you. We're hard-wired to be stimulated by what we see. So if your "fixing up" makes you look more attractive to him, it is naturally something he desires you do as often as possible. And while this may not apply to you at all, if he perceives that in your 10 year together you have gradually "let yourself go," he may be harboring resentment that you no longer care enough about him to take care of yourself and make yourself desirable to him. And it doesn't matter if in that same decade he's gone from being a dreamboat to a gross, tub o' lard, he still associates your caring for your appearance as an indication of your love for him. Convoluted? Perhaps. But it's the way a man's mind often works. Now, to a different, but related topic. Your husband's comments and actions indicate that he may, in fact, be feeling a little insecure about himself and his situation. Your entering nursing school may fuel within him some inner feelings of inadequacy. He may be feeling that rather than being a boon to your joint financial success, your newfound career will make you need him less. And it will put you into contact with upwardly-mobile, intelligent, attractive men who share a common interest with you. Your innocent joke may have inadvertently tossed gasoline on that fire, and his comment was his attempt to salve his singed ego by deflating yours. Also, nursing school is a big-time commitment. On some level he knows that for an extended period of time in the near future, you are going to be spending less time with him, making him less of a priority. It's only natural that would be the case, and intellectually he knows that. But emotionally, this may further add to his feelings of insecurity and abandonment. To offset this, I suggest that you reassure your husband that you're not interested in "talking shop" after a hard day's work in the medical trenches, so socializing with doctors is the last thing you'll be interested in doing. And while it's true that nursing school is going to require a time commitment on your part, your husband and your marriage are your priorities. © 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Friday, 29 January 2010 |  E-mail

When Men Say ‘I’ll Call You’

One thing you can usually depend on with men (other than leaving the toilet seat up), is that you can take our words at face value. Our speech is primarily goal-oriented and our words can be taken literary. One important example to the contrary, however, is the phrase, “I’ll call you.” On the surface, this phrase sounds simple enough: Three little words that seem to promise a future interaction. But the truth is, more often than not, when uttered by a guy at the close of a first date, all they really mean is “good-bye.” So why do guys break with their usual direct (some might call blunt) language usage and opt for a pleasantry that is intentionally misleading, and has left more than a few women wondering if their phone service, hearing, or understanding of the English language is faulty? The answer may surprise you. It is primarily because the end of a date is a particularly stressful time for men, and we’re looking for an exit line that is both brief and vaguely upbeat. “I’ll call you,” fills the bill to a “t.” You see, for a man, the end of a date is the culmination of a serious amount of effort on his part. First he had to risk rejection to ask you out. Then he had to spend the evening trying to impress you with his wit, intelligence, charm and accomplishments, while avoiding alienating you with his opinions, arrogance, poor conversational skills or lack of proper table etiquette. He wants to make sure everything goes right so at the end of the evening your clothing will magically melt away and the two of you will be joined in a sweaty, undulating mass of ecstatically-intertwined flesh, knowing all the while that, at best, he’ll likely have to settle for a little tongue and a quick feel. But he is also aware that he may fall far short of his goal. His attempt to initiate physical interaction may subject him to rejection, ridicule or being seriously laughed at. Or, horror of horrors, when he goes in for a lip lock, you might shift the target at the last moment causing him the ultimate humiliation – a close encounter with your cheek. So the pressure is on. And if he is unsure of how well the date went, how much you liked him, how much he liked you or all of the above, and your parting kiss, hug, handshake or fist-bump was unfulfilling and/or gut-wrenchingly awkward, he may be hard-pressed to come up with some succinct witticism to bid you an appropriate farewell. And at this point, though he may be uncertain about the future of your relationship, he still doesn’t want to ruin any possible potential with you by abruptly saying, “Ciao,” “It’s been real,” or “See ya’.” Thus he trots out that trusty old chestnut, “I’ll call you,” which allows him to quickly extricate himself from an uncomfortable situation with optimism and a little dignity. If he actually is satisfied with your evening together, he will probably be true to those words and dial, email, fax or text you for a repeat performance. If, on the other hand, he is undecided about his feelings or deflated, disappointed or depressed by your encounter, he can now safely retreat to the sanctuary of his abode and engage in quiet introspection to determine how he really feels about you and a potential second date. Or he can just get drunk and watch internet porn. © 2008 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010 |  E-mail