Study Finds That Sexsomnia is Common in Sleep Center Patients

Sexsomnia was reported by almost eight percent of patients at a sleep disorders center and was more common in men than women, according to a research abstract. Results indicate that 7.6 percent of patients (63 of 832) at a sleep disorders center reported that they had initiated or engaged in sexual activity with a bed partner while asleep. The prevalence of reported sexsomnia was nearly three times higher in men (11 percent) than in women (four percent). "There have been no previous studies of how frequently sexsomnia occurs," said co-investigator Sharon A. Chung, PhD, Sleep Research Laboratory staff scientist in the department of psychiatry at the University Health Network in Toronto, Canada. "While our finding of eight percent of people reporting sexsomnia seems really a high number, it should be stressed that we only studied patients referred to a sleep clinic. So, we would expect the numbers to be much lower in the general population." The study involved a retrospective chart review of 832 consecutive patients who were evaluated for a suspected sleep disorder; the sample consisted of 428 men and 404 women. Patients completed a questionnaire about sleep disorders symptoms, behaviors during sleep, sleepiness, fatigue and mood. Symptoms of insomnia, fatigue and depressed mood were similar between people reporting sexsomnia and other patients at the sleep disorders center. Both groups also had similar rates of smoking and caffeine consumption. However, people who reported sexsomnia were twice as likely as other sleep center patients to admit using illicit drugs (15.9 percent vs. 7.7 percent). Although sexsomnia was common, patients rarely mentioned the problem to their doctor. Chung noted that only four of 832 patients expressed a complaint about sexsomnia during a consultation with a sleep specialist. "It seems that patients generally don't discuss this with their doctors," she said. The International Classification of Sleep Disorders, Second Edition, published by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine in 2005, notes that sexsomnia appears to occur predominantly during confusional arousals and may occur during an episode of sleepwalking. These are two of the disorders that are classified as "parasomnias," which involve undesirable behaviors that occur while falling asleep, during sleep or while waking up. A literature review in the June 2007 issue of the journal Sleep concluded that a broad range of sleep-related disorders are associated with abnormal sexual behaviors and experiences. Source: SLEEP 2010

Wednesday, 09 June 2010 |  E-mail

The Great Toilet Seat Debate

We live in complicated, controversial times. There is upheaval all around us, and vastly differing opinions as to the appropriate way to resolve virtually every problem. The “right” and the “left” can’t seem to agree on anything…except maybe that they’re both unquestionably, devoutly devoted to the principles that define them – whatever those may be. But there remains one issue that is more hotly debated than all others combined. I am talking about, of course, men’s insistence on leaving the toilet seat up. Why can’t they just leave the damn things down? The simple answer is, “we can…but why should we?” “What?” I hear you bristle. “Guys should lower the toilet seat because it’s just the considerate thing for them to do!” Agreed. It would be very considerate for us to do that for you. And similarly, it would be equally considerate for you to raise the seat back up for us upon completion of your task - for it takes about the same amount of effort to raise the seat as it does to lower it. In a perfect world, this kind of reciprocity makes absolute sense. We take care of toilet seat positioning for you, and you do the same for us. Everybody’s happy. But this begs a very important question: “Wouldn’t it be simpler and less confusing if each of us were just responsible for placing the seat in the position that best suited our needs, relying on others to do the same? And shouldn’t we accept and have tolerance for the physiological differences of others with whom we share our facilities, acknowledging their needs may be different, though no less important than our own?” It is an issue of shared rights and responsibilities, with men and women having equal dominion over the “seat of honor.” “But wait,” I hear you say. “What about when I have to use the toilet at night and I don’t want to turn on the light. If the toilet seat is up, I’m apt to dunk my buns in the bowl. That really sucks, and it’s not fair, ‘cause guys don’t have the same problem.” No, but we have a different, equally unpleasant one. True, for us, urination can be accomplished without being seated. But if we don’t turn on the light and you’ve left the seat down, or worse, the lid, our stream is suddenly ricocheting in every direction, spraying the contents of our bladder everywhere but in the bowl. And that leaves both us and the bathroom, pungent, damp, and in need of a good scrubbing. So in the case of nighttime bathroom usage, I think we must all either turn on the light to determine seat orientation (“look before you leak”), or carefully feel our way in the dark, making certain the “accommodations” are suitable to our particular situation. I hope this has helped resolve one of the most insidious lavatory conflicts facing us today. Perhaps this recognition of diversity of needs coupled with personal responsibility will allow men and women everywhere to be able to weather these “ups” and “downs” in an environment of good humor and mutual respect. And if we can successfully achieve this kind of harmonious co-existence, could world peace be far behind? © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Tuesday, 08 June 2010 |  E-mail

“Doing It” With A Hernia

Question: We are struggling in our sex life, due to sickness. My husband has developed two hernias. The one in his tummy he has had for years, but the one in his groin is newer and starting to cause him pain, including during sex. Do you have any advice to help us cope and stay connected sexually. We are both still very attracted to each other, but his hernia is causing him pain. I know the quick fix is to repair his hernia, but we are currently without insurance. Kind of an extra question to you: Does a man enjoy a little buzz to his penis, as a woman does with sex toys? Anyway I would appreciate any advice you can give me. We are both frustrated!!!! …Kim Answer: First, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that hernias, no matter where there are located, can cause very serious problems if left untreated. Your husband should seek proper medical evaluation and care as soon as he possibly can. I know it may be a financial hardship, but perhaps your physician may have some recommendations as to how this may be treated with a minimum of out-of-pocket expenses. At the very least, it seems worth looking into, if you haven't already done so. Now to your question: There are many ways for you and your husband to be sexually active without engaging in activities that cause pain. The key is avoiding any movement that puts pressure, stress, or tension on that area of his body. Unfortunately, by its very nature, sexual arousal will naturally cause a tensing in that region, so creativity is a must. 1) If you want to engage in intercourse, try utilizing positions that require a minimum of thrusting on his part. One such position is to straddle your hubby's genital region and carefully insert him inside you. If you are facing him, you are in a great position to kiss and fondle each other. If you sit facing away from him, Reverse Cowgirl-style, you can achieve deep penetration. In either case, as long as you don't get too rambunctious, you're free to yell, "Giddy-up" and ride him to your heart's content (no spurs necessary). And although these positions require you to do all the work, they also allow you to completely set the pace and give you greater ability to orchestrate your pleasure, as well as his. 2) Intercourse aside, there are a number of other sexually intimate activities you can enjoy with a minimum of pain and discomfort. In fact, you might even look at this as an opportunity to more fully explore many forms of sex-play that you might otherwise only consider as foreplay. Rather than engaging in these activities merely to whet your appetite for the “main event,” now what was once an appetizer, becomes a satisfying entrée in its own right. One such example is mutual masturbation. You should feel free to feel freely. And while this may be something you haven’t engaged in to any great extent in years, it can be a very sexy and satisfying experiencing - giving and getting with this hands-on approach to orgasmic release. 3) Of course, most obviously, oral sex should definitely be on the menu if it is your desire to keep pelvic movement and stress to a minimum. Using your mouth on him should cause him only positive stirrings in his loins. And with a minimal effort on your part, you can help yourself to his loving lingual ministrations by carefully perching astride his face. You may trade off giving and receiving oral attention, or engage in simultaneous mouth-to-genital resuscitation by assuming the traditional “69” position (with you on top, of course). Again, consider this not simply a pre-amble to sex, but a lovely, satisfying sexual feast unto itself. And to answer your question about men enjoying sex toy vibrations on their penis – I’d have to say that this probably varies to some degree from man to man. That said, however, generally speaking, ANY attention or direct stimulation to the penis is likely to be warmly received. The male member may have no conscience but its sincere appreciation of even the slightest gesture is usually quite obvious. The most important thing to remember in all this is that despite physical limitations, you both still want to demonstrate your sexual desire for each other. This is where the “for better or for worse” really comes into play. Sexuality is an important part of any long-term male-female relationship, and your mutual desire to keep this part of your relationship alive and thriving, bodes well for many happy years together. Congratulations on having the commitment to doing what is necessary to keeping your marriage loving, vital and intimate. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Friday, 28 May 2010 |  E-mail

A Brief Homage to the Happiest Place on Earth

For those of you who were expecting a column on that Southern California tourist attraction known as Disneyland, I’m afraid I have bad news for you. This article will contain no mention of the Monorail, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, or Pirates of the Caribbean (other than the one immediately preceding, of course). No, this is a tribute to another attraction that is, in fact, every straight man’s number one favorite destination…your own Magic Kingdom – your vagina. As far as most men are concerned, the moist furrow between your thighs is what we spend the majority of our free time pondering. The pursuit of it gives us motivation to get out of bed each morning (assuming a warm and welcoming “tunnel of love” is not in close proximity), and drives us back into bed, preferably with a partner, at each available opportunity. And while your breasts are a definite pleasant diversion like the Teacups, we came to the park to experience the Matterhorn. It’s why no matter how high they raise the admission price, we’ll always figure out a way to cough up the cash to pay for our passport to entertainment. And we’ll wait in line for hours just for a three or four minute ride that leaves us more than a little breathless. But why are we so crazy about this particular amusement park? Maybe it’s because every time we visit we leave with a smile on our face. Perhaps it’s because regardless of how many times we board, the journey retains much of the allure of our very first visit. Or possibly we are just addicted to the exuberant “it’s-great-to-be-alive” feeling we have whenever we strap ourselves in and take off. Whatever the reason, your tropical divide is the “x” on our treasure maps, and with virtually no provocation we’ll enthusiastically brave virtually any terrain to reach your ground zero. And in this case, if we get lost, we may even stop and ask for directions. So what does it all mean? Well, for us it means, that no matter how many gadgets distract us (and you know how we LOVE our gadgets); in spite of how busy our lives become; regardless of how much we lose our enthusiasm for everything else in this world, we will never forget that there’s a place we can go that will always raise our spirits and keep the spring in our step. And for you it means, despite a shaky economy, a polarizing war, and the threat of global warming, your torrid tourist trap will remain perpetually in demand. Hey, we’ll even put on those silly little mouse ears if it’ll get us to the front of the line. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Monday, 03 May 2010 |  E-mail

Hormone Spray Enhances Male Empathy

Many women have no doubt been waiting a long time for this: the neuropeptide oytocin enhances male empathy. This substance also increases sensitivity to so-called "social multipliers", such as approving or disapproving looks. This is revealed in a study in which 48 healthy males participated. Half received an oxytocin nose spray at the start of the experiment, the other half a placebo. The researchers then showed their test subjects photos of emotionally charged situations in the form of a crying child, a girl hugging her cat, and a grieving man. The test subjects were then invited to express the depth of feeling they experienced for the persons shown. In summary, Dr. René Hurlemann of Bonn University´s Clinic for Psychiatry was able to state that "significantly higher emotional empathy levels were recorded for the oxytocin group than for the placebo group", despite the fact that the participants in the placebo group were perfectly able to provide rational interpretations of the facial expressions displayed. The administration of oxytocin simply had the effect of enhancing the ability to experience fellow-feeling. The males under test achieved levels which would normally only be expected in women. Under normal circumstances, the "weak" sex enjoys a clear advantage when it comes to the subject of "empathy". One of the effects of the hormone oxytocin is that it triggers labour pains. It also strengthens the emotional bond between a mother and her new-born child. Oxytocin is released on a large scale during an orgasm, too. This neuropeptide is also associated with feelings such as love and trust. Our study has revealed for the first time that emotional empathy is modulated by oxytocin, and that this applies similarly to learning processes with social multipliers, says Hurlemann. This hormone might thus be useful as medication for diseases such as schizophrenia, which are frequently associated with reduced social approachability and social withdrawal. Source: Dr. René Hurlemann, University of Bonn

Thursday, 29 April 2010 |  E-mail

Oral Sex – To Swallow or Not

Question: I've been married for twenty years and been together twenty-three. My husband and I are just in our early 40's, so we got married when we were still pretty young and "adventurous" and have continued with a great sex life. During our entire relationship I have always been a "catch & spit" kind of girl. Over the years my husband has mentioned swallowing always in a joking manner and always adding it didn't matter to him either way. I have just, within the last year, tried swallowing a couple times but...can't get with it!! Does it really matter to most men? And if so, why? …Jessica Answer: “To spit or not to spit, that is the question”…and a good one, at that. Many women have been faced with the dilemma of not knowing what to “do” with a mouthful of goo. And to be fair, there is no one “right” answer. I will, however, try to elaborate a bit on the subject and explore why this issue regularly rears its ugly head (no pun intended) in male/female relationships. First it must be said that while oral sex is quite common a practice in society today, there are still people, both women and men, who adhere to a diet that does not include the “fruit of our loins.” In fact, it appears that women in general fall into four categories: 1) Those who don’t engage in oral sex; 2) Those who do, but remove “Mr. Happy” before he reaches the pinnacle of his enthusiasm; 3) Those who “go the distance,” but expel their partner’s deposit before it can accrue any interest; and 4) Those who ingest their special someone’s love liquid. And which category a woman falls into can often change from time to time and partner to partner. And frankly, if you fall into any of the latter three categories, you’ll probably never hear us complain, because we’re just pleased as punch to be getting a little “face time.” But now to the question: Does your swallowing our DNA really matter to us…and why? Quite frankly, for most men, I believe it is more a matter of attitude and less of consumption. If you “get rid of” our semen shooter by sexily dribbling it onto our body (or even better, your own) and then rubbing the sticky sap over any conveniently exposed flesh, most guys will be in heaven, and all thoughts of swallowing will be quickly forgotten. If, on the other hand, you convulsively spit out our stuff as if it were dry cleaning fluid, we’re likely to be a little put off. And while some guys may look at your swallowing their sperm as an unconditional acceptance of them, most men simply don’t want to feel like you’re completely grossed-out by their emission. We want to believe that you’re fond of our ejaculate, because we consider it a close, personal friend, and we like our friends to get along. The bottom line is: We appreciate it when you swallow because we believe it shows you like us, sperm and all, and your willingness to engage in this behavior demonstrates a sexual inhibition that we find enormously appealing. The most important thing to remember on this subject, however, is that men realize that you may not share our enthusiasm for our semen, and once it leaves our body and enters any part of yours, our jurisdiction ceases, and your rule-of-law applies. So while we might like you to accommodate our desire to savor our seed, it is hardly a deal-breaker. We understand that the final destination of our sperm is often beyond our control. We’re just ecstatic that it occasionally has a chance to be out and about. And that’s a truth that I hope you’ll have no trouble swallowing. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010 |  E-mail

Quantity May Determine Quality When Choosing Romantic Partners

The context in which humans meet potential mates has a hidden influence on who they decide to pursue. In particular, when people have a large number of potential dating partners to select among, they respond by paying attention to different types of characteristics – discarding attributes such as education, smoking status, and occupation in favor of physical characteristics such as height and weight. A number of studies in recent years have looked at what happens to humans when faced with extensive choice – too many kinds of chocolate, or too many detergents to choose from at the grocery store. Under such circumstances, consumer psychologists believe that the brain may become "overwhelmed," potentially leading to poorer quality choice or choice deferral. Psychological scientist Alison Lenton wanted to know if the same was true of mate choice, given that humans have been practicing this particular choice for millennia. "Is having too many mate options really like having too many jams?" they ask. To find out how people respond to relatively limited versus extensive mate choice, Lenton analyzed data from 84 speed dating events, which is where people meet with a series of potential dates for three minutes each. Afterward, the men and women report their choices (a "yes" or "no" for each person). It should surprise no one that choosers generally preferred people who were taller, younger, and well-educated. Women also preferred partners who weren't too skinny, and men preferred women who weren't overweight. Beyond that, though, the attributes that speed daters paid attention to depended on how many opposite-sex speed daters attended the event. At bigger speed dating events, with 24 or more dates, both male and female choosers were more likely to decide based on attributes that could be judged quickly, such as their dates' height, and whether they were underweight, normal weight, or overweight. At smaller events, choosers were more likely to make decisions based on attributes that take longer to identify and evaluate, such as their dates' level of education, their type of job, and whether or not the person smokes. "Obviously, I think we look for different attributes in partners than what we look for in a chocolate, a jam or a 401(k) plan," says Lenton. "But one of the points we're trying to make in this article is it's the same brain we're carrying around. There are constraints on what our brains can do - they're quite powerful, but they can't pay attention to everything at once." And if the brain is faced with abundant choice, even about who to go out with, it may make decisions based on what it can evaluate most quickly. As a result, this previously invisible aspect of the choice environment has the potential to determine one's romantic fate. Source: Association for Psychological Science

Thursday, 15 April 2010 |  E-mail

Jealousy Really is Blinding

Jealousy really is "blinding," according to a new study by two University of Delaware psychology professors. They found that women who were made to feel jealous were so distracted by unpleasant emotional images they became unable to spot targets they were trying to find. The researchers suggest that their results reveal something profound about social relationships and perception: It has long been known that the emotions involved in social relationships affect mental and physical health, but now it appears that social emotions can literally affect what we see. UD psychology professors Steven Most and Jean-Philippe Laurenceau and their colleagues tested heterosexual romantic couples in a lab experiment. The romantic partners sat near each other at separate computers. The woman was asked to detect targets (pictures of landscapes) amid rapid streams of images, while trying to ignore occasional emotionally unpleasant (gruesome or graphic) images. The man was asked to rate the attractiveness of landscapes that appeared on his screen. Partway through the experiment, the experimenter announced the male partner would now rate the attractiveness of other single women. At the end, the females were asked how uneasy they felt about their partner rating other women's attractiveness. The finding? The more jealous the women felt, the more they were so distracted by unpleasant images that they could not see the targets. This relationship between jealousy and "emotion-induced blindness" emerged only during the time that the male partner was rating other women, helping rule out baseline differences in performance among the women. The researchers don't yet know what will happen when the roles are reversed; in these experiments, it was always the women who searched for a target. Future research might reveal whether men tend to be less or more blinded by jealousy. Source: University of Delaware

Thursday, 15 April 2010 |  E-mail

Women in Abusive Relationships Still See Partner's Positive Traits

New study based on women's self-reports suggests a subtype of men -- categorized as 'dependable yet abusive' -- is most common It's well known that many women remain in abusive relationships with their male partners. A new study by researchers in Toronto and New York suggests that many who live with chronic psychological abuse still see certain positive traits in their abusers—such as dependability and being affectionate—which may partly explain why they stay. "We wanted to see whether survey information from women who were not currently seeking treatment or counseling for relationship abuse could be a reliable source for identifying specific types of male abusers," says Patricia O'Campo, a social epidemiologist and director of the Centre for Research on Inner City Health at St. Michael's Hospital in Toronto. She adds that past research has underscored abused women's personal evaluations of their intimate relationships—specifically, their commitment to the relationships and positive feelings about the abuser and/or the relationship—as critical in their decisions to continue or terminate abusive relationships. "We wanted to learn more," says Dr. O'Campo, who co-authored the study with researchers from Adelphi University in Garden City, New York. Using survey data from a project funded by the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, the researchers explored the experiences of 611 urban-dwelling, low-income American women. Overall, 42.8% of those surveyed said they had been abused by their intimate male partners in the year preceding the survey. Psychological abuse was significantly more of an ongoing problem than physical abuse, while sexual abuse was reported as least common. A relatively small number of women (2.3%) perceived their partners as extremely controlling, while 1.2% reported that their partners engaged in extreme generally violent behaviours. But a considerable number of women felt their abusive male partners still possessed some good qualities: more than half (54%) saw their partners as highly dependable, while one in five (21%) felt the men in their lives possessed significant positive traits (i.e., being affectionate). Based on the survey findings, the researchers divided the male abusers into three groups: "Dependable, yet abusive" men (44% of the sample) had the lowest scores for controlling and generally violent behaviors, and the highest scores for dependability and positive traits. "Positive and controlling" men (38% of the sample) had moderately high scores for violence and also for dependability and positive traits. However, they were more controlling than men in the first group, displaying significantly higher levels of generally violent behaviours. "Dangerously abusive" men (18% of the sample) had the highest scores for violence, controlling behaviour and legal problems and the lowest scores for dependability and positive traits. The researchers say their findings suggest there is value in studying the problem of male violence through the perceptions of abused women, including those who are currently "outside" the social services and legal systems designed to help them. "The importance of listening to women's voices cannot be highlighted enough and needs further exploration," says O'Campo. "This is just one step toward potentially increasing our understanding of how to find additional ways to improve women's safety." Source: Patricia O'Campo. Profiling Abusive Men Based on Women's Self-Reports: Findings From a Sample of Urban Low- Income Minority Women. Violence Against Women.

Monday, 12 April 2010 |  E-mail

Is Hubby’s 20-Something Co-Worker Hot For Her

Question: I am a woman in my mid forties and I think a 26 year-old co-worker of my husband’s wants to have sex with me. How do I know for sure? What are the signs a man gives? …Joy Answer: First let me say, that if you suspect that a man you know wants to have sex with you, chances are you're right. For the most part, it is pretty much automatic that if a guy finds you attractive he has at least considered the possibility of having sex with you. Now, of course, if you or he are involved in other relationships, then fantasizing about exploring your "inner space" may be as far as he's willing to take it. There are, however, a large number of men who won't be in the least deterred by your seeming lack of availability, much less their own. To these guys, a wedding ring (yours or theirs) is just another piece of jewelry. It's hardly more than a tiny speed-bump on the road to your vagina. So what are the specific signs that you are on his "to-do" list? Well, every man is different, but there certainly are some behaviors that are more or less universal to a man-with-a-mission. 1) If he goes out of his way to initiate lengthy conversation with you and seems to hang on your every word 2) If he compliments you excessively 3) If he is overtly flirtatious 4) If he guides your conversation into a provocative or sexual area 5) If he touches you frequently while talking to you 6) If he makes suggestive remarks to you that you wouldn’t feel comfortable having your husband hear 7) If he suggests you “get together” to “talk” sometime 8) If his eyes have been surveying your body like a thief trying to find your most vulnerable “point-of-entry” Of course any of these things could be innocent, but more-often-than-not they indicate a sexually motivated agenda: He finds you attractive for any number of reasons and wants to get naked with you. The question then becomes, “What should you do about it? Should you throw caution to the wind and go for it?” My advice would be a resounding “no.” I’ll forgo moralizing over the betrayal of your marriage vows, which may or may not be important to you. That’s between you and your conscience. On a more practical level, however, other than a short-lived “sexual high,” what’s in this for you? Twenty-six-year-old men aren’t typically interested in long-term relationships. He is likely looking for a hot, sweaty encounter with an “older” woman. Very exotic for him, but not something that will have any longevity or depth. Are you willing to risk your relationship with your husband to taste that forbidden fruit? Sure, people do it all the time (especially men), but the fallout can devastate a marriage. But maybe you’re thinking, “If we’re careful, nobody will find out.” Good luck with that. Since you indicated he is a co-worker of your husband’s, I am not optimistic about your chances of keeping a clandestine fling secret. Your admirer’s regular workplace interaction with your husband creates an enormous risk of exposure of any covert “under-cover” work you and your lover are engaged in. And even if he and you are vigilant in your efforts not to “slip up” in front of your husband, you still have to manage to stay under the radar of that incredibly effective information super highway - the office gossip machine. This all-knowing, all-seeing, shadowy web of intelligence-gathering should never be underestimated. Their information, though often based primarily on speculation and conjecture, is still uncannily accurate, and can undermine your best efforts to “keep a lid” on your extracurricular activities. And that kind of exposure may not only jeopardize your relationship with both men, it can cause such disruption in the workplace that it could possibly lead to one or both men having to terminate their employment. My best advice is to be flattered by the attention and let it go at that. If you give him no encouragement, he is likely to move on. Both of you will still be free to fantasize about what “could have been,” which in many cases is a lot steamier (and certainly safer) than the tawdry reality of “taking a walk on the wild side.” © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. If you have any questions for David M. Matthews, please use the Contact form. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Wednesday, 07 April 2010 |  E-mail