How Soon Should You Jump Into Bed?

Question: My question is this…how long do you wait to sleep with a man…one month, two months, more? Since my eventual goal is to be married, how do I know that the man I’m dating sees me in his future and not just as a nine-month, ten-month, or even one-night stand?...Camille Answer: While this issue vexes many women, the unpopular truth is that there is really no perfect amount of time to wait before you sleep with a man. Here's why: 1) For the most part, whoever you are dating wants to sleep with you as soon as possible. 2) Until he sleeps with you, he'll likely say and do whatever he believes is necessary to get you into bed. 3) Because you will not be getting to know the real him, just the "him" he wants to let you see, waiting isn't really all that beneficial. 4) The more time you spend with him, the more emotionally invested you’ll probably become, so when you finally DO sleep with him, if things don't work out, your hurt will be even greater. On the other hand, it is never a good idea to do anything because you feel pressured. Sleep with him as soon as it feels comfortable to you, keeping in mind items 1 - 4 above. Sleeping with someone for the first time requires a leap of faith. Don't be afraid to make the move, just always "look before you leap." As far as guaranteeing that the relationship will continue after you have sex, that is virtually impossible. But if he enjoys you both in and out of bed, chances are good that he'll be open to further examine the possibilities of a long-term relationship and perhaps marriage. One word of caution: Unless all you're looking for is recreational sex (which certainly doesn't seem to be the case), beware of the "booty call." If your guy doesn't make plans with you, or only gets together with you spontaneously or late at night, regardless of what he says, he probably perceives you as nothing more than a booty call. And generally speaking, booty calls don't turn into relationships. They just remain booty calls. So that's one call you may prefer not to answer. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Monday, 30 August 2010 |  E-mail

Study Shows Behaviors and Attitudes Towards Oral Sex are Changing

University of Alberta researcher Brea Malacad says results from a study on oral sex indicate there is little doubt that oral sex is becoming a more common activity for young women. Study results show the act has become a fundamental part of what Malacad calls the "sexual revolution of the 21st century". And she concludes that researchers, sex educators and marketers of safer-sex paraphernalia need to catch up with the trend. "From my study, all of the women who had engaged in sexual intercourse had also engaged in oral sex as well," said Malacad, who recently published the findings in the European Journal of Contraception and Reproductive Health Care. "This data tells us that oral sex is becoming very much a part of most young people's sexual repertoire." Viral urban myths such as rainbow parties (an alleged group-sex event where women, all wearing different colored lipstick, perform oral sex on men) and media reports of the "exploitation and over-sexualization of young women," as Malacad explains it, was part of the decision to undertake the study to understand what young women are really doing and what it means for the teens, parents and for sex education in general. Malacad's findings reveal that behaviours and attitudes towards oral sex are changing. Her research shows that while 50 per cent of respondents viewed oral sex as a less intimate activity than intercourse, 41 per cent believe oral sex to be as intimate an act as intercourse and the remaining nine per cent view it as more intimate than intercourse. And while Malacad's findings indicate that certainly oral sex has become more accepted, she says the act is hardly the "new goodnight kiss" among young people as has been suggested in some media reports. The participants' emotional response to oral sex was also something that surprised her. "Both intercourse and oral sex were associated with mostly positive emotions overall, which suggests that most young women are engaging in these activities because they enjoy them," said Malacad. "Based on the results of my study, there is a percentage of women (just over 30 per cent) who feel powerful when performing fellatio. Apparently some women find it empowering and believe that it can wield a lot of power." There is an air of caution, she notes, before parents start locking up their daughters to protect them from rampant sexual behaviour. Of a sample of the 181 participants of Malacard's study who were aged 18 to 25, many had only one sexual partner after becoming sexually active. And 25 per cent of participants had not engaged in any sexual activity at all. Malacad says that the media sends mixed messages to teenage girls about sexuality. On the one hand, young women are criticized for being oversexualized, and on the other, they are encouraged to freely express their sexuality. She refers to Kim Catrall's character Samantha in the Sex and the City television series, a woman who was strong, independent, empowered and who very sexually aggressive, as being a role model for women to be accepted as sexual beings. "I guess, depending on the perspective, young women's sexuality can be seen as a positive, empowering thing for women or a very negative thing," she said. This mainstreaming of oral sex is a change in the tide of sexual behaviour; it also means that sex educators need to catch up to the trends, noted Malacad. With many young people still ignorant to the fact that sexually transmitted infections can just as easily be passed orally, a whole new topic of discussion needs to appear in the safer sex curriculum delivered to students. The results of her study also show that there is a seemingly untapped market for makers of safe-sex products, too. "Eighty-two per cent of respondents said that they never used protection when engaging in oral sex, compared to only seven per cent for intercourse; it's almost like it didn't occur to them to protect themselves when having oral sex," said Malacad, who teaches the sex-ed teacher delivery course in the Faculty of Education. "I don't think young people are aware that infections can be spread this way and there are options in terms of protecting oneself." Malacad says that while parents should be a child's first sex educators, not all are comfortable talking about it with their kids, or are ill-informed about the current realities of teens and sex. She says Alberta still leads many provinces in having a mandatory sex education program, and she would like to see a parent component of the program to educate them as well. First, however, that requires educating teachers and pre-service teachers about how—and what—to teach the teens. That talk, she says, goes far beyond basic anatomy. "In order to provide relevant sex education, we need to get into these difficult topics that have to be talked about: the uncomfortable things that teens really need to know about—sexually transmitted infections and transmission of disease, particularly through oral sex, as well as the social and emotional implications of sexual activity," said Malacad. "We need to be giving them (the most) honest and reliable information in the classroom (possible)." Source: Jamie Hanlon, University of Alberta

Sunday, 15 August 2010 |  E-mail

A Few Words About Men And Porn

Despite the phenomenal growth of the internet as a source of information, entertainment, social networking and product marketing, very few businesses have been able to actually turn a profit, solely based on web-related revenues.The lone industry that has seen substantial growth and ever-increasing cash-flow has been the “adult entertainment” sites – in other words: Porn.Websites that appeal to the voyeuristic tendencies in men, consistently rank as the most popular and profitable web-based destinations.And why is this?Because, like it or not, guys are very visual, and we love to see naked women engaged in sexual situations with men or (even better) other naked women.“But isn’t there something fundamentally wrong with this?” I hear you ask.“If my guy is really into me, why would he even want to look at other women?”The answer is easy:No matter how hot you are, men are inherently aroused by the idea of variety in their sexual partners. But though we have a strong desire to experience a virtual endless array of libidinous women, we recognize that even if we could make that happen (and let’s be honest, most guys are scrambling just to find one woman willing to offer regular refuge to their penis), it would destroy any meaningful romantic relationship we had and expose us to a rather unpleasant milieu of virulent and sometimes deadly social diseases.Thus watching porn allows us to live out our various sexual exploits without the risk of infection or infidelity.We are able to insert ourselves into these web-based fantasies without actually inserting anything anatomical.And as long as we don’t endeavor to make actual one-on-one contact with anyone, we are merely exercising our creativity (and probably one or both hands) in an effort to satisfy our longing for multiple partners without violating any vows or promises. Despite the phenomenal growth of the internet as a source of information, entertainment, social networking and product marketing, very few businesses have been able to actually turn a profit, solely based on web-related revenues. The lone industry that has seen substantial growth and ever-increasing cash-flow has been the “adult entertainment” sites – in other words: Porn. Websites that appeal to the voyeuristic tendencies in men, consistently rank as the most popular and profitable web-based destinations. And why is this? Because, like it or not, guys are very visual, and we love to see naked women engaged in sexual situations with men or (even better) other naked women. “But isn’t there something fundamentally wrong with this?” I hear you ask. “If my guy is really into me, why would he even want to look at other women?” The answer is easy: No matter how hot you are, men are inherently aroused by the idea of variety in their sexual partners. But though we have a strong desire to experience a virtual endless array of libidinous women, we recognize that even if we could make that happen (and let’s be honest, most guys are scrambling just to find one woman willing to offer regular refuge to their penis), it would destroy any meaningful romantic relationship we had and expose us to a rather unpleasant milieu of virulent and sometimes deadly social diseases. Thus watching porn allows us to live out our various sexual exploits without the risk of infection or infidelity. We are able to insert ourselves into these web-based fantasies without actually inserting anything anatomical. And as long as we don’t endeavor to make actual one-on-one contact with anyone, we are merely exercising our creativity (and probably one or both hands) in an effort to satisfy our longing for multiple partners without violating any vows or promises. “But isn’t it still ‘cheating?’” Only if merely thinking about doing something is a crime. Because, after all, there is no contact. He is simply fantasizing about people he will never meet. And if you believe just thinking is a crime, perhaps you should turn yourself in to the authorities for all the times you mentally committed assault and battery (or worse) on the drivers who cut you off in heavy traffic. Let me make one important point at this juncture. In this article, I have been referring to the overwhelming majority of men who occasionally or infrequently happen upon one dirty site or another. I am not talking about the men who live for porn. If your guy starts missing meals, work, or opportunities to have real, live, in-person sex with a willing partner, than he has a serious problem. And as with any addiction, he should seek out professional help. Also, I am referring to sites that depict sex acts between consenting adults. If your man is frequenting sex sites that feature underage girls or barnyard animals, his voyeurism has gone from harmless fantasy to disturbingly illegal activity. So what does this all mean? It means that, barring obsessive or criminally deviant behavior, the casual surfing for web porn (in the privacy of his own home) is a normal part of most contemporary men’s internet experience. It’s anonymous, safe sex with a stranger your man will never touch, taste or smell. And therein lies the downside for him, and the reason that for a healthy man in a healthy relationship this virtual world will always take a backseat to sex with his significant other. For as sexy and appealing as an onscreen temptress can be, nothing can truly compete with the warmth, feel, and flesh-to-flesh contact of an intimate romp with a woman who actually calls out your name when things heat up and who never interrupts the proceedings with an error message or a buffering problem. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010 |  E-mail

Feeling Insecure In Relationships May Predispose People To Later Health Problems, Says Research

WASHINGTON — People who feel insecure about their attachments to others might be at higher risk for cardiovascular problems than those who feel secure in their relationships, according to a new study published by the American Psychological Association. "This is the first study to examine adult attachment and a range of specific health conditions," said lead author Lachlan A. McWilliams, PhD, of Acadia University. He and a colleague examined data on 5,645 adults age 18 to 60 from the National Cormorbidity Survey Replication and found that people who felt insecure in relationships or avoided getting close to others might be at a higher risk of developing several chronic diseases. Ratings of attachment insecurity were positively associated with a wide range of health problems, they found. "Much of the health research regarding attachment has focused on pain conditions, so we were initially surprised that some of our strongest findings involved conditions related to the cardiovascular system," said McWilliams. Participants rated themselves on three attachment styles – secure, avoidance, and anxious. Secure attachment refers to feeling able to get close to others and being willing to have others depend on you. Avoidance attachment refers to difficulty getting close to others and trusting others. Anxious attachment refers to the tendency to worry about rejection, feel needy and find others are reluctant to get close to you. The participants answered a questionnaire about their histories of arthritis, chronic back or neck problems, frequent or severe headaches, other forms of chronic pain, seasonal allergies, stroke and heart attack. They also disclosed whether a doctor had told them they had heart disease, high blood pressure, asthma, chronic lung disease, diabetes or high blood sugar, ulcers, epilepsy, seizures or cancer. They were also questioned regarding their history of psychological disorders. After adjusting for demographic variables that could account for the health conditions, the authors found that avoidance attachment was positively associated with conditions defined primarily by pain (e.g., frequent or severe headaches). Anxious attachment was positively associated with a wider range of health conditions, including some defined primarily by pain and several involving the cardiovascular system (e.g., stroke, heart attack or high blood pressure). The authors also adjusted for lifetime histories of common psychological disorders and found that people with anxious attachments were at a higher risk of chronic pain, stroke, heart attack, high blood pressure and ulcers. "These findings suggest that insecure attachment may be a risk factor for a wide range of health problems, particularly cardiovascular diseases. Longitudinal research on this topic is needed to determine whether insecure attachment predicts the development of cardiovascular disease and the occurrence of cardiovascular events, such as heart attacks," said McWilliams. "The findings also raise the possibility that interventions aimed at improving attachment security could also have positive health outcomes." Source: "Associations Between Adult Attachment Ratings and Health Conditions: Evidence From the National Comorbidity Survey Replication," Lachlan A. McWilliams PhD, et al

Tuesday, 03 August 2010 |  E-mail

Rutgers Study Finds Male Modesty a Turn Off For Women (and Men)

"Macho, macho man. I've got to be, a macho man. Macho, macho man. I've got to be a macho!" — The Village People It's more than 30 years since that Disco Era anthem first blared though dance club speakers and into America's consciousness, but does the message still sing true for the 2lst century male? Does he still have to be a macho man? Are there penalties for not being macho enough? Corinne A. Moss-Racusin, a doctoral candidate in Rutgers' Department of Psychology, explored the consequences for men (and women) when they acted modestly in job interviews. She co-authored, with graduate fellow Julie E. Phelan and Professor Laurie A. Rudman, "When Men Break the Gender Rules: Status Incongruity and Backlash Against Modest Men" in the journal Psychology of Men and Masculinity. According to Moss-Racusin, the applicants in the staged interviews were judged equally competent, but the "modest" males were less liked, a sign of social backlash. Modesty was viewed as a sign of weakness, a low-status character trait for males that could adversely affect their employability or earnings potential. Modesty in women, however, was not viewed negatively nor was it linked to status. "For men and women, there are things they must and must not be," Moss-Racusin says. "Women must be communal and other-oriented, but they must not be dominant. Historically and cross-culturally, men have been stereotyped as more agentic, that is, more independent and self-focused than women." In the study, 132 female and 100 male student volunteers (who earned partial academic credit for their psychology course) viewed videotaped, 15-minute job interviews of either males or females All the applicants were paid actors rehearsed to deliver similar, "modest" responses for the gender-neutral position that required strong technical abilities and social skills. The researchers sought to determine which gender stereotype promote backlash. "Women are allowed to be weak while this trait is strongly prohibited in men," Moss-Racusin said. "By contrast, dominance is reserved for men and prohibited for women. Thus, gender stereotypes are comprised of four sets of rules and expectations for behavior consist of both 'shoulds' and 'should nots' for each gender." The researchers' prediction that modest male applicants would face hiring discrimination was not supported, however, and she speculates that because men's status is higher than women's, meek men are afforded the benefit of the doubt and are less likely to encounter hiring discrimination than dominant women. Source: Keiller SW (2010). Male narcissism and attitudes toward heterosexual women and men, lesbian women and gay men: hostility toward heterosexual women most of all. Sex Roles.

Sunday, 01 August 2010 |  E-mail

Did Saying The “M” Word Make Him Run?

Question: I have been dating this widower, Bob, for about three months now. He has had a woman at work, Deborah, hitting on him. In fact, she pretty much has asked Bob to marry her. I told him he needs to tell her about me, but he said his personal life is none of her business. I began feeling insecure and pushed the issue of marriage, feeling that if she can ask and is not in a relationship with him than I should be at the top of the list for a proposal. Bob has told me has plans for me and he knows what it takes to get lucky. He even brings marriage up every time we are in a restaurant if the person has on a wedding band. I am not ready to get married at this point and explained this to him. He sent me a text message saying we are on pause for now and will not answer my calls. I have decided to give him his space at this moment. Should I just move on? And I’m not sure if this makes a difference, but he is white, I’m black and this is the first interracial relationship for us both. Deborah is white. We also both have children. Mine know about him, however he has not told his about me. I would like your opinion of where you think he is and if this relationship is truly over. …Lisa Answer: Here’s my take on your situation: Because you had been dating for such a short time, your interest in marriage has caused Bob to stop and re-evaluate your relationship. And while initially you may have brought up marriage merely as a way of “rightfully staking your claim,” your push in that direction has given Bob pause. First, he is probably scared that things are moving faster than he is comfortable with. Second, your pushing the marriage issue may cause him to perceive you as someone with an agenda. He may now view you as a woman less interested in him and more interested in achieving your goal, which is, in this case, to get him to the alter. Third, while his mentioning marriage may be within his comfort zone, your doing so may cause him to feel ill-at-ease. Yes, it’s a double standard, but nonetheless it still may be how he actually feels. Also, he may feel like he’s being played or manipulated – something else which moves you from the category of appealing partner, to someone he needs to keep his guard up around. Fourth, he may still have unresolved issues with his late wife. He may feel like now that you’ve made this relationship seem “more important” than the more casual one he thought he was initially pursuing, he had better take a step back and reassess whether or not he’s ready to actually “move on” from his late wife and invest his whole heart in someone new. Understand that I do not fault you for reacting to the perceived threat to your relationship that Deborah represented. The truth is you were just trying to not get left behind standing passively by while some other woman swooped in and grabbed your guy. That is totally understandable. That said, however, your reaction obviously pushed some buttons in Bob – buttons that probably can’t be “un-pressed” right away. The good news is that he obviously cares for you, and you for him. The not-so-good-news is that he feels compelled to pull away in order to sort things out. Unreasonable as it may be, saying the “M” word to any man early in a relationship can cause him to run screaming into the night. But using it in close proximity with some version of the term “breaking-up” is even more alarming, because regardless of your intention, he will likely perceive that he has been given an ultimatum of sorts – a kind of all-or-nothing scenario. And though it is obvious to me, removed as I am, that that was certainly not your intent, to him it probably sounded like you were, on some level, pressuring him to “fish or cut bait.” To be clear, however, for now, your romantic relationship is over. When a man says that he wants to put the relationship “on pause,” he means that, at least temporarily, the romance is over. It is possible that down the road he may want to revisit a relationship with you, and if you are interested and available the two of you may be able to rebuild your relationship. And as frustrating as it may be, “giving things time” is probably your only solution. No amount of pushing, pressure, or promises to keep things light and casual will cause him to move back in your direction any faster. As to whether race plays a part in any of this, all I can say is that I believe if those involved were all of the same race or if the racial mixture was slightly different, it would have little impact on the way this particular scenario played out. That doesn’t mean it is totally irrelevant – just that there is no evidence to show it is a significant factor. And whether your respective children knowing about the relationship so early on is meaningful really depends upon their ages, proximity, and how much about your personal life you normally share with them. And since parent’s feeling on when to involve their children in their romantic lives vary enormously from one individual to the next. I wouldn’t spend much time or effort speculating on the significance of this. My advice is that you move on, knowing that reconciliation at some point in the future is a possibility. Do not dwell on tomorrow and what might be, concentrate on today and what is reasonably in your grasp. Right now he is not available. If you’re interested in romance, find someone who is. And whatever you do, don’t use the “M” word till you’re certain that a permanent relationship is what you both have in mind. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Thursday, 29 July 2010 |  E-mail

10 Things to Look for When You Think Your Husband is Cheating

Men cheat. Not all men. Or even most men. But certainly enough men, that the males of the species have deservedly earned their untrustworthy reputation. But how can you know if your guy is cheating? Obviously, it is difficult to know for sure unless he confesses, you catch him in the act, or his mistress emails you incriminating video proof. But if you suspect your significant other is involved in extracurricular carnal cavorting, there are a few obvious clues to look for. 1) Your guy has always been less than a stickler about his appearance, but suddenly he is moussing, moisturizing, and actually using that nose-hair trimmer you not-so-subtly gave him as a stocking stuffer three years ago. 2) You always believed he would need a GPS device to even find your washer and dryer, but lately his desire to launder his own duds has been verging on obsession. 3) Despite the fact that he is an habitual morning-bather, recently he has taken to showering off the “dirt and grime of the day” before he feels “clean” enough to hit the sheets. 4) You know that your husband uses credit cards for absolutely everything, yet your current bank statement shows numerous ATM withdrawals and cancelled checks made out to “cash.” 5) The horn-dog you married never passed up a chance to grope your goodies at any opportunity, yet lately sex seems to only happen when you initiate it. 6) And on those occasions when sex has been on the menu, his standard technique seems to be ever-so-slightly refined. 7) He has never been particularly verbal in his affirmation of his feelings for you, but these days the phrase, “you know I love you,” seems to guiltily escape his lips more often than, “I’ll have another Heineken.” 8) You have crossed your fingers and held your breath for years, hoping he would remember your birthday or anniversary with even a card, but for the last several months he has given you “just because” gifts with increasing frequency. 9) The man who usually gives three-word responses to your questions about his day, now regularly gives you excruciatingly detailed information about his daily itinerary. When guys give too much information, something is definitely askew. 10) The number of “work-related” calls he has to take has increased dramatically. It is important to note that any of these changes in his behavior or activities could be completely innocent. And his engaging in even two or three of them might also mean he is hiding another, very different secret from you - like planning a surprise party, learning to ballroom dance, or carrying out contract hits for the mob. If, however, more than half of the above list sounds all-too-familiar, chances are good that your hubby is dipping his wick elsewhere. And though this revelation may understandably upset you, do not blame the messenger. I am merely trying to enlighten you. And remember, you can always still choose to live in denial. I mean, your birthday is coming up, your guy has always been light on his feet, and killing for money beats being unemployed, right? © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Thursday, 08 July 2010 |  E-mail

Reading the Look of Love

How fast you can judge whether a person of the opposite sex is looking at you depends on how masculine or feminine they look, according to a new study. The researchers speculate that there may be an evolutionary advantage to quickly noticing when a hottie is looking at you. Psychologists have debated how we determine whether someone else is looking at us or not. One point of view is that "it's almost a geometric problem," says Benedict C. Jones, of the University of Aberdeen in Scotland – that people just look at the whites of the eyes and other features of the face, without being influenced by the face in general. But Jones and his colleagues, Julie Main, Lisa DeBruine, and Lisa Welling of the University of Aberdeen and Anthony Little of Stirling University, thought there was more to it. They designed an experiment to see whether how masculine or feminine the face was affected how quickly a viewer could assess its gaze. Volunteers looked at faces with exaggerated or reduced male or female features; the faces had been morphed to look either more or less masculine or feminine. As the faces flashed on a computer screen, the volunteer was supposed to hit a key as quickly as possible to indicate whether the face was looking at them or away from them. Both women and men could do that more quickly when the face had exaggerated sexual characteristics. "Women were quickest to classify gaze direction when they were looking at hunky, masculine-looking guys. Guys were quicker when they were looking at pretty, feminine women," says Jones. The research is published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science. Jones speculates that this ability to perceive things about attractive people faster may have been useful to early humans. Previous research shows that feminine women and masculine men make the healthiest mates. "There's likely to be quite a big advantage to detecting when a particularly good potential mate's looking at you," says Jones. "If I'm in a bar and there's a pretty woman looking at me – if I wasn't married – I would want to catch her eye before someone else did." Source: Association for Psychological Science

Monday, 28 June 2010 |  E-mail

Men and Talking Dirty

As I have pointed out many times before, men are visual creatures. We see something, and if we find it to be at all sexually appealing, we are apt to become aroused. Consequently I think most would agree that sight is a primary sexual stimulator for the male of the species. What may surprise many people is that the sense that stands second-in-line for the title of “most likely to create a ruckus in our lower regions” is…sound. Sure touch is important to us - but that requires active participation by a partner (or in solitary times, by our own helping hand). In the case of sound, however, sometimes all we have to do is hear something mildly provocative, whether intentionally or accidentally, to cause our penises to stand up and take notice. And so powerful is this effect upon us, that what we hear doesn’t even have to be actual words or sentences. Sometimes grunts, groans, pants or moans can impact us just as much. It should come as no shock, therefore, that many men find “vocal” partners to be particularly exciting. Hearing our sexual co-conspirator’s enthusiastic, extemporaneous verbal utterances gets us hot. And if your gasps and heavy breathing are punctuated with brief, lewd language - so much the better. In other words, many of us really get off on your talking dirty. It is important to note, however, when employing “naughty language,” that not all words are equally…potent. Use of clinical terms like “penis,” “vagina,” “breasts,” “testicles,” or heaven forbid, “sexual intercourse,” while effectively communicating your meaning or desire, do very little to “heat things up” when spoken in the midst of an intimate encounter. Rather it is the usually-forbidden terms, those four-letter vulgarities that are banned from the public airwaves, that prove to be the most effective and therefore, stimulating. And in the language of passion, “brief” is always better. “Lick me,” “harder,” or “yeah, like that,” are always preferable to lengthier, perhaps more literate exclamations, like, “I find what you are doing to be quite stimulating and if you continue I sense a climax is in the offing.” In other words, dirty talk should be quick, fun, obscene, often grammatically incorrect, and above all...nasty. It is, in fact, the graphic, apparently unrestrained nature of these outbursts that is responsible for their “sizzle.” It is interesting to note, that for some reason, even otherwise “innocent” terms can, when properly used, be sexually charged. Unassuming words like, “wet,” “juicy,” “more” or “coming” can be totally titillating when correctly utilized in the heat of passion. And while spritzing Fluffy with a hose will certainly annoy and anger your cat, in other circumstances exhortations about a wet pussy might have significantly more positive implications. So what does all this mean? Well, if you were looking to spice up your sex life, or make a hot encounter even steamier, you now have an additional tool in your sexual arsenal. Or if you were just seeking further verification that men are “pervs” and get turned on by the weirdest stuff…your suspicions have unquestionably been confirmed. In either case, you now know that any inclination you may have had to “add audio” to your lovemaking, is definitely “right-minded” as far as guys are concerned. We applaud your asserting yourself and heartily encourage you to leave the silent majority and become the gutter-mouthed girl of our dreams. © 2009 David M. Matthews. All Rights Reserved. David M. Matthews’ career in Hollywood has been varied, to say the least. He served as Musical Director for three years on the CBS soap, “The Young and the Restless” for which he won an Emmy for Outstanding Musical Direction and Composition. He then moved on to sitcom writing, where he penned scripts for “The Nanny” (CBS) and “Living Single” (FOX), as well as staff writing and producing gigs on “For Your Love” (NBC/WB), and “Half & Half” (UPN). He recently directed the drama, “N-Secure,” wrote and produced an episodic mockumentary, “When Actors Need Money,” for Strike TV, and has just wrapped production on a reality show spoof, “How We Think They Did It.” His first book, “Every Man Sees You Naked: An Insider’s Guide to How Men Think,” inspired by a lifetime of being the “relationship advice guru” for his numerous female friends and co-workers, was published last year by Wheatmark.

Thursday, 24 June 2010 |  E-mail

Frontal Cortex Dysfunction May Contribute to Compulsive Sexual Behavior

Sex "addiction" is a concept that has had particularly high visibility recently with the publicity associated with Tiger Woods. Persons with addictive or compulsive disorders frequently display an inability to inhibit behaviors once they become maladaptive, despite adverse consequences of their behavior. The medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) is a brain region involved in decision-making and behavioral flexibility, and it has been identified as a potential mediator of behavioral inhibition. In a new study, Dr. Lique Coolen and colleagues tested whether the mPFC is involved in inhibition of sexual behavior when associated with aversive outcomes. Using a carefully-designed experimental paradigm in rats, the researchers found that lesions of the mPFC result in compulsive sexual behavior. In contrast, lesions did not alter sexual performance or the learning associated with reward or aversive stimuli. This indicates that intact mPFC function is not required for normal expression of sexual behavior. Instead, the results support the hypothesis that the mPFC regulates the execution of behavioral inhibition toward sexual behavior once this behavior is associated with aversive outcomes. The animals with mPFC lesions were likely capable of forming the associations with aversive outcomes of their behavior but lacked the ability to suppress seeking of sexual reward in the face of aversive consequences. Collectively, these data suggest a general role for the mPFC in regulating the compulsive seeking of reward, and may contribute to a better understanding of a common pathology underlying impulse control disorders. Compulsive sexual behavior has a high prevalence of co-morbidity with psychiatric disorders, including substance abuse and mood disorders. The current study suggests that mPFC dysfunction may contribute to sexual risk-taking or to compulsive seeking of sexual behavior. Although thought-provoking, we do not yet know whether these findings apply to humans. Source: Lique Coolen, et al. Lesions of the Medial Prefrontal Cortex Cause Maladaptive Sexual Behavior in Male Rats. Biological Psychiatry, Volume 67, Issue 12

Friday, 11 June 2010 |  E-mail